I’m Waiting for Something Bad to Happen…

(Let’s do a NO EDIT, write everything down post).

How many times can I say how F*CKING HORRIBLE THIS YEAR WAS?!

It just doesn’t seem real. And looking back, I think… “WAIT, THAT WAS ALL IN 8 MONTHS”.

With what’s going on in the world and with myself.

It really has affected me to the point where I’m just WAITING FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN.

It makes me so sad that I let other people’s actions, words, even what they don’t do or don’t say affect me and my self-worth.

It makes me so sad.

I know that I’m a good and kind person. I know that I work hard and do my best.

But I don’t believe that I am.

And it gets to the point where my mind plays tricks on me and makes me overthink every little thing. And it makes me observe what other’s do or say and then my mind makes assumptions and thinks that everyone is out to destroy me.

I had a therapy session today.

And I was expressing how nervous/anxious I am for the holidays and being with my relatives.

It is something that we are going to work out in next week’s sessions.

And the thing that struck out to me was that she pointed out how those times with family doesn’t make me happy, it makes me anxious. Those weren’t the exact words, but it’s something along those lines.

And thus the whole thought of letting others affect me.

There were so many moments this year, when I couldn’t help but break down and cry.

It just felt like, it wasn’t fair. I just kept on getting hit with so many bad circumstances. I didn’t understand WHY.

I remember a couple of months ago. When I talked to this one guy after many failed attempts with other guys. We talked for a month and I started to be like, “hey this guy is pretty great”. And then all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me. After two days, he texted to me to say that his ex called him and they talked about their relationship. So he needed to think about it, so he stopped talking to me to really consider his thoughts and feelings. And I was just thinking, are you kidding me….out of all the times you could have called him about your feelings. It had to be now!!

This was during a time, where work started to settle down. I felt like I wasn’t as stressed anymore. I stopped thinking about that other guy and wasn’t hurt by what happened. And my life was finally okay, for being a sh*tty year.

And then he asked me to call him one day on my lunch break. Before I got that message, I already had strong feelings about it. I was visually upset before he texted me. My co-worker could already tell that I was feeling off and I wasn’t mentally there. After his call, I went back to work and she immediately asked if I was okay. And I just shook my head no and I started crying.

She could tell right away that something was wrong and I wasn’t okay.

And of course, with everything with work. That’s another story.

Oh and one of the most random BAD COINCIDENCES,

When the sleep study test didn’t work the first time. I remember thinking, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME….THIS TOO?”

That’s why I’m so scared.

What’s going to happen next? There HAS to be something that just tops everything else that has happened this year.

And my mind keeps on making up bad “WHAT IF” scenarios in my head. And it’s killing me.

I feel like I’m on edge, every day. Just waiting for something bad to happen.

And that’s just sad, it’s a horrible feeling.

Last Friday, I had a half day off. And honestly, getting off early was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time. I was worried about my students while driving, but then I was immediately glad that I had a break from them.

I decided to go to one of my favorite shopping centers? I’m not sure if that’s what it is. It had all my favorite food places and I knew from instagram, that they added alot of outdoor seating. So I mobile ordered some Shake Shack and ate outside. It was cool and breezy, it felt amazing to have some fresh air. Then I decided to treat myself to a couple of cupcakes from this bakery that I love.

I felt different that day. It was so nice to feel so positive about things and just not having any worries for a couple of hours.

I brought my journal that day to write some things down. And I kinda noticed how I only focused on the negative things that have happened this year. And how I have ignored all the progress that I’ve made.

Now thinking about it, I think I’ve ignored all the progress because I’m scared. I’m scared of having something mess up all the hard work I’ve accomplished.

I’m tired of being scared.

I’m tired of waiting for something bad to happen.

I’m tired of viewing myself so negatively because of others.

I’m tired of using others actions as an excuse of how I view myself.

I’m tired of ignoring my achievements and progress because I’m scared that it will be taken away from me.
I’m tired of my mind making “What If” scenarios in my head to mess with me.

I’m tired of myself….that I listen to my “What if” scenarios and it makes me even more anxious and depressed.

I’m tired.

I’m tired physically.

I’m tired mentally.

& I’m tired emotionally.

I need a break from everything. From work, from family, from myself, from my thoughts.

I just want to breathe.

-MEL

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