The start of my 2 week vacation & this is another episode of “I was sleepy, then I laid down and tried to sleep but my mind wouldn’t stop overthinking…so now I’m wide awake”.
After finding out from 2 sleep study tests (because 1 test didn’t record all the information), I don’t have sleep apnea.
So I’m just going to say that my lack of sleep is due to insomnia & my mind not shutting down and letting me relax.
On Sunday, I took a break from my phone and read. Currently I’m reading “Notes on a Nervous Planet” by Matt Haig. I got to this one chapter, where he talks about phones and uncertainty. Basically, it talks about how we check our phones about a million times a day for messages or notifications.
I do this alot. Even though, I can see my screen and it tells me right away about a text message. I will still check the icon to see if there is a red circle with a number 1 on it. Even if there isn’t a red circle, I will still click on the messages app and look at the message that I sent and check to see if it’s “DELIVERED”…you know to make sure they got the message.
And then I started thinking about how social media is and how it is common to receive messages and responses quickly.
You can have a full conversation with someone just by texting back and forth. You message.. they respond right away and vice versa. You can post something on social media and get a notification of a “like” or comment within seconds of pressing “submit”.
It has become so common, that when you don’t get a response right away…you start to question things (well for me, mostly).
In the past 5 years or so, I used to get those quick responses and conversations through text. Then when I started to have responses that took longer than a day to weeks to months, that’s when I started to feel anxious. (Then I started to not get any texts or notifications anymore)
I started to think that those late replies had to do with me…personally.
Did I say something wrong? Do they not want to be my friend anymore?
And those questions looked different when I was in a relationship or interested in pursuing a relationship with someone.
Are they not interested in me? Are they talking to someone else? Are they cheating on me? Do they not love me anymore?
It’s crazy how the rate of response makes you question your relationship with someone.
Those relationship questions might seem a little bit over the top. However, I’ve had two relationships where they cheated on me. So it was possibly true that they didn’t message me because they were too busy messaging the other girl.
And that transitions me to this current situation that I’m in.
I typically don’t like to announce (especially in a blog) that I am interested in someone, only because I don’t want to jinx it.
But this has been a f*cked up year. So if it jinxes it, then it’s just another thing to add to the list of: f*cked up things that happened in 2020.
But I really am interested in someone at the moment (aka have a crush on them).
I didn’t think he was interested in me in the beginning, because he would message me and then sometimes he would respond back after a week. So we didn’t talk that much before he asked to hang out with me in person.
As with any guy that I meet over a dating app, I always ask them to Facetime first before meeting in person.
I pretty much knew after Facetiming with him and meeting with him for the first time, I wanted to know more about him.
We don’t message each other on a daily basis. I had to push back a dinner with him twice due to some bad migraines and headaches. We Facetimed again a couple nights ago. So we haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks.
And I really like it.
My last relationships were super quick. We basically talked and then went right into the relationship. No dating first and getting to know each other before calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. And maybe that’s why those relationships ended so badly.
I really like how slow we are taking things.
And don’t worry, I had some anxiety in the beginning when he didn’t text back right away after meeting the first time.
I told myself, “if he doesn’t text me back, then it’s probably over and he’s not interested anymore…so move on”. But then he would respond back. I had that thought a couple of times, and even if it would take a couple of days, he would still respond. And even though, I had to push back our dinner two times, he would still respond.
I texted him a couple of hours ago, and yea I still had some doubts that he wasn’t interested (because that’s how my mind is like). And I just noticed that he replied back like ten minutes ago.
I really like that we are taking our time to get to know each other.
And that we know more about each other when are video calling each other or see each other in person. It’s not through some words that I see on the phone.
Now I’m getting sleepy…