As I have probably mentioned I have experienced more anxiety symptoms in the past 5 years than depression.
And depression is hard.
I was going to write about other topics today on this blog.
But I’m f*cking depressed.
I kinda felt OFF this week. I was irritable. I was hungry, but had no appetite. I had the opposite of my sleeping problem, where I would just sleep early almost every night. I would sleep 8-9 hours these past couple of weeks.
Last night, I just felt so strange. I had a difficult week at work and I was anxiously waiting for a response back from the guy that I’m currently talking to. This strange feeling was so familiar. But now I know that it was the beginning of depression.
I haven’t felt the “rock bottom” component of depression in many years. And I feel like I blocked that feeling from myself. So much that depression and deep depression feels like it’s something new.
I started doing my daily journals last night while listening to my “mental health” playlist. I desperately wanted to cry in hopes to make me feel better. And then the song ” After the Storm” from Mumford & Songs began playing. There is this one lyric that I always have in the back of my mind when I need it. And that lyric immediately made me cry, ” But there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”.
This cry was different. It wasn’t an anxiety cry, it was depression.
I was able to fall asleep and sleep through the night ( *knock on wood). But when I woke up, I had no urgency to get up as I usually do. I felt like I didn’t have any ounce of energy. However, it wasn’t the same exhaustion as I usually get from work. It was an emotional exhaustion.
I was able to get some cleaning done and do my laundry. I took a shower, because I had planned to go to a store just to get out of the house. But after lunch, I just sat in my chair in my room with a constant worry and looked at my phone for any text from him. I knew that getting out of the house would make me feel better, but I couldn’t.
Then I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I had 8 hours of sleep last night, I had caffeine in the morning and I wasn’t ill. So it was very strange that I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon that didn’t have to do with a lack of sleep or being sick.
Again, it was depression.
After a couple of hours of feeling suicidal, feeling worthless, feeling like I will never feel loved.
I finally got the energy to eat something and journal my feelings.
As soon as I started to write down my feelings about the guy. I began to pray and talk to God, which I have done pretty often when I was in a dark depression. I just kept on asking him…WHY? Why bring so many guys in my life that have no interest in me, but talk to me, as if they do like me. Why are they just teasing me and playing with me, then just to hurt me. I’m 31 years old, I’m tired of this!
I had been crying on and off today. Sometimes with or without a warning. And there were many moments where I was in the living room and just started crying. Then I hear a family member walk towards my direction and I quickly have to wipe my tears.
(It’s 7:16 PM and I’m soo sleepy at the moment.)
What I wanted for this new year was….to be OKAY.
I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to have the best year ever.
I just wanted to be OKAY.
We’re 16 days into the new year and I’m already struggling.