I WANT A BREAK FROM MYSELF.

I think I posted awhile back about writing letters to people in my life, without actually sending it to them. It was a way to let out my feelings for someone and an outlet to express what I would like to tell someone.

There are many reasons why I don’t send it. And basically, I would think “nothing will change if I share this letter to them”.

I was accepting the fact that the guy that I was talking to….stopped talking to me. I accepted reality, and I was numb for awhile. My therapist last week told me to write a “letter” to him and see if anything else comes up when I write it. For the longest time, I didn’t want to write it. I felt “fine”/numb and I’ve cried so much in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to open up that box again and let those feelings out. I just wanted to pretend I was okay for as long as I could.

During those times, I just wanted to add another factor to distract my mind from that guy. So I just downloaded dating apps again, JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE. This is what happens when you don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to.

Tonight, I was just scrolling along. And yup….there was the guy that I was talking to.

(Little or more like BIG back story: We had been talking since November. Met on a dating app. I didn’t think he was too interested in me since he barely responded. But he asked me to hang out and we did. We talked on and off afterwards. We would Facetime once a week. Then on my winter break, we met up again. I had no idea how he felt about me and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about him as well. But then we kissed, and it felt right. Like it felt like there were “sparks”. We tried to meet up a couple of times afterwards, but after a couple COVID scares, we couldn’t see each other. We Face timed and HE was the one that said that we should see each other over the 3 day weekend. But he didn’t text me, he never communicated with me at all during that weekend. I had a rough work week prior to the long weekend and depression came back into my life. I texted him the following Wednesday because I wanted to give the last word. I said that I wish he would just let me know if he couldn’t hang out. (Common courtesy to contact someone when you made plans with them). If it was at all, my fault that I apologize. Wished him well. He replied that he apologized and that he was going through some personal things. Also, that we should talk sometime and go over things. Well it’s been almost 2 weeks later and we haven’t talked. And now I see him on Tinder…..).

So I wrote a letter to him that I won’t send.

As I was writing the letter, I suddenly became overwhelmed.

And I said “CAN I JUST TAKE A BREAK FROM ME? PLEASE!”

I want a break from my life, from my house, my job…..my mind and my thoughts.

I just need to get away. Not anywhere in particular. Just away from myself.

I have been recording myself lately while I cry, have a panic attack, get depressed.

Because I just want to see something that others don’t see.

I know it’s me….but it’s so heartbreaking.

Sometimes I do a time lapse and I can see when my heart completely breaks as I’m writing.

For GOODNESS SAKES,

JUST BE KIND TO ANYONE YOU MEET. BE RESPECTFUL.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ANYONE IS GOING THROUGH.
YOU THINK THAT YOU NOT CONTACTING SOMEONE ISN’T A BIG DEAL, BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THAT PERSON’S LIFE DOESN’T CONTACT THEM AS WELL.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL.

I don’t know what to do anymore…

Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow.

-MEL

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