(This will probably be a no-edit blog post because I’m tired).
Last week was rough.
During therapy, I was non-stop crying throughout the whole 50 minutes.
I’ve hit rock bottom before and have been in a dark depression. But these past weeks (last week especially), I fell into such a dark place that I haven’t felt before in my 15+ years of having depression.
My therapist created a safety plan for me because the things that I were saying such as “wanting to take a break from myself” fit under the category of suicidal thoughts.
After that session, I realized that I kept on having thoughts that included not having a future.
I am at that point in my life that I feel that I’m not going to get married or begin a family.
And it scares me.
I see so many photos/videos of engagements or weddings throughout instagram or other forms of social media.
And I just get this strange feeling that I won’t ever experience that.
Just from experiences with talking to guys and past exes. I just have the worst experiences in dating and relationships. And yes, I did blame myself for it.
It seems like all guys want these days is a “casual” relationship or “hanging out”.
Sometimes they state it from the beginning, sometimes they tell me after the second time of meeting. I always go through with it, because I’m nervous of starting a serious relationship. So why not? But once I talk to them more and get to know them, then I start to have feelings for them. And then I’m terrified. But I have to be honest and I will let them know.
And every time, I get my feelings hurt. And I get ghosted.
I told my therapist last week how stupid I felt, because I saw the “red flags” but I still continued to talk to him. And she told me, I shouldn’t blame myself because my feelings for him were very genuine. My therapist was there when I was soo unbelievably happy to have plans with him the following weekend. And she was there the week after, completely devastated when he stopped communicating with me.
I was happy one week, devastated the next. And week by week, I began crying more throughout the session. Then last week, I can only describe it as the darkest depression.
I’m tired.
Soo tired.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Goodnight.
-MEL
