I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.

(This will probably be a no-edit blog post because I’m tired).

Last week was rough.

During therapy, I was non-stop crying throughout the whole 50 minutes.

I’ve hit rock bottom before and have been in a dark depression. But these past weeks (last week especially), I fell into such a dark place that I haven’t felt before in my 15+ years of having depression.

My therapist created a safety plan for me because the things that I were saying such as “wanting to take a break from myself” fit under the category of suicidal thoughts.

After that session, I realized that I kept on having thoughts that included not having a future.

I am at that point in my life that I feel that I’m not going to get married or begin a family.

And it scares me.

I see so many photos/videos of engagements or weddings throughout instagram or other forms of social media.

And I just get this strange feeling that I won’t ever experience that.

Just from experiences with talking to guys and past exes. I just have the worst experiences in dating and relationships. And yes, I did blame myself for it.

It seems like all guys want these days is a “casual” relationship or “hanging out”.

Sometimes they state it from the beginning, sometimes they tell me after the second time of meeting. I always go through with it, because I’m nervous of starting a serious relationship. So why not? But once I talk to them more and get to know them, then I start to have feelings for them. And then I’m terrified. But I have to be honest and I will let them know.

And every time, I get my feelings hurt. And I get ghosted.

I told my therapist last week how stupid I felt, because I saw the “red flags” but I still continued to talk to him. And she told me, I shouldn’t blame myself because my feelings for him were very genuine. My therapist was there when I was soo unbelievably happy to have plans with him the following weekend. And she was there the week after, completely devastated when he stopped communicating with me.

I was happy one week, devastated the next. And week by week, I began crying more throughout the session. Then last week, I can only describe it as the darkest depression.

I’m tired.

Soo tired.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Goodnight.

-MEL

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