I’m Fooling Myself.

I lied.

I wrote a post this morning and basically deceived myself thinking that I’m okay. And going through all these obstacles is okay. And it’s not.

Today was hard. And it was supposed to be an easy day. I got stuck in traffic, which we haven’t had traffic in the mornings for about a year due to the pandemic. When I saw the traffic, I immediately “OF COURSE this would happen” (sarcastically and angry at the same time). I just barely made it to grab some coffee and get to work on time.

My co-teacher next door was out sick , same with my reliable floater teacher. So I had to help with the sub and an assistant teacher from a different classroom (that doesn’t spend too much time in our classes). I was worried about how her students would react, but they were fine. And it was my class that had a difficult time. Literally, nothing changed in our classroom and they acted like our routines didn’t exist and that it was okay to not listen to me. I was frustrated.

I’m already having a hard week with family contracting COVID and in the hospital. And worrying about them and the rest of my relatives.

Then my f*cking therapy session got cut short due to connection issues.
Work has been more frustrating than ever.

I’ll probably write a blog post about it on Saturday (when it’s exactly a year that my life changed due to COVID).

But I’ve been teaching during a pandemic…by myself….for a year.

It doesn’t get any easier.

And I really understand why so many teachers have quit, especially in the past year.

It’s soo hard.

It’s not fair. I know that every teacher has different experiences teaching during this time.

But thinking about my experience in the past year, it was not fair. And it’s not okay. And it’s not okay that I stayed and continue to stay.

I’m not okay.

What I’ve been through is not okay.

What I’m going through is not okay.

& I need to stop thinking that things will get better someday. It sounds harsh, but it has NOT gotten better. And I’m just fooling myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I’m just going through the same f*cking cycle over and over again.

There’s no light.

What’s terrifies me is that I see all these posts about people getting engaged, married or having a baby.

And I don’t see that for myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get married.

Or start a family.

And that’s all I wanted since I was about 5 years old.

I don’t understand why I get put in these stressful situations.
I don’t understand why people just leave me with no explanation.

I don’t understand why these things happen to me.

I don’t understand.

I want to feel better.

But I need to stop fooling myself that I’m okay and things will get better.

Because the more I fool myself, then the more that I’ll feel worse and things won’t get better.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

-MEL

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